Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
