I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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