So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
