Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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