Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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