They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing