My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.