wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
