guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
