I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
