her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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