he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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