She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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