The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
