after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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