i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
