U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
