My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
