just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
