I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
