The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
