If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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