So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
