we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
