I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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