i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
