Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
