I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
