Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
