i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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