She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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