I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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