well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Randomize
