i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
