It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
All the doctor said was why
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
