Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
