just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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