My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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