weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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