What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
