I wanna bring you to show and tell
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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