I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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