I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
