I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
