fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
