I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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