According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal