im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
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Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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