We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
