Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
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that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
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I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar