Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
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theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
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Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.