Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
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found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
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I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe