I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i think my cat just said my name.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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