You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
