I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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