that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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