I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
