Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
