Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
